I was missing NYC and my friends at a point and I did want to go home but it just hit me that I may not be coming to Ecuador for a while. I hope that’s not the case because I want to meet all the babies but this is actually a possibility, the fact that another two years may pass me by. I’m going to miss my cousins so much. These are the people I grew up with. I’m going to miss the person who raised me. Chivi is honestly the realest person I know and with her I just feel so at ease. She’s the one who’s giving me all the actual motherly love I ever wanted. I love my mom but my mom isn’t really affectionate and my cousin, sees me as a daughter and it’s just amazing.
Being in Ecuador makes me so humble. It reminds me to always stay this way. It shows me what’s important in life and what I want. But at the same time, I’m not ready to be back in NYC yet. But Saturday I’ll be in Cancun, so there’s that.
I have a shit load of things to do when I get back and I’m making all of the appointments so I can get with all the doctors once I’m back from Cancun. I need to go to general medicine, dentist, gynecologist, endocrinologist and finally choose damn psychologist.
I’m probably being dramatic but if I can’t have kids, I think I would like to know now. It’s not like I’m trying or anything but that’s one of my fears. Anyway, my health is a priority right now, finally. Two of my cousins are doctors and both of them have told me that I need to go to an actual endocrinologist as soon as possible. If I can’t have kids I most likely won’t even tell anyone but I hope that’s not the case.
Freckles over here is ready to pop. Her body is literally all belly. Lu just wants to come out and I really want her to be born by tomorrow morning so I can meet her before I fly back. But seeing my cousin pregnant has been hysterical and her belly is everything. I felt Lu move so many times and I felt her when she had hiccups.
It isn’t exactly an unknown fact that I don’t get along too well with my father or his family. However, the only three people I ever felt genuine love and care for in his family were my grandfather (whom I rarely ever even saw), my cousin and uncle. That goes to show how kids truly do feel when people give a fuck about them.
Anyway, bless you grandpa, at eighty four years old and I’m so happy to be able to come back home and find you here. Every time I come back and then have to go back to the US he gives me my blessing and tells me a lot of wonderful things in case he’s not here the next time I come and although it makes me sad to even think of it, I know it’s part of life. I love him so much and I don’t even know how to explain why because I really didn’t grow up with him. He’s just the only person in my father’s family that I ever felt genuinely loved me, in spite of whether or not I loved his son.
As for my cousin, he always used to go see me when I was little with a pint of ice cream. I’m happy to see him as a doctor and and be an aunt to his children. It’s funny how his daughter resembles me and even the way she acts is the way I was when I was little. The little one is so adorable and has a smile that will light up your day. I see my cousin and I see him in love with his children but I know he’s also tired because my nephew struggles because of the complications during the pregnancy but my cousin is such a wonderful father and my nephew’s smile makes anyone happy.
Lastly, the little boy is my brother and I honestly wish I could be a better sister to you but I just don’t even know how. I’m just glad I got to see you. I wish one day we get to a point where he can feel that he can count on me in spite of the relationship I have with our father because my problems aren’t with my brother, they are with his dad.
I’m so happy I got to see them and this is also as much as my blog will ever get in regards of my actual father.
— Steve Almond (via emotional-algebra)
Intelligence will bring you clarity, but not happiness. You need something else for that.
— (via ewok-gia)
Almost three years later and I can finally say I’m glad I got blacked out drunk for my eighteenth birthday. I still wish I could remember a bit more of it but I appreciate the morning after that night. It was literally because of that moment and what I felt then that I now fully know to what I extent I can drink and when/how to stop myself. I was never really stupid when I drank. I know where and who to drink with but after that night, I really learned my limits. I know for a fact that people can be so reckless. And don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol but I also know that something you love can easily harm you. It’s nice to have people who are willing to take care of you but it’s not cool to always have to be babysat when you drink, don’t be that person. I have a pretty high tolerance even though lately it has been decreasing. But it’s more so the fact that I’m not dumb enough to continue on when I know I can’t handle anymore.
Know your limits, people.